urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid anakidanakid anakidanakid 2007-10-25T06:43:02Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid:3570 2007-10-25T06:43:02Z 2007-10-25T06:43:02Z decker1205 (02:23:05 am): jack it really upset me that you didnt return my call<br />decker1205 (02:23:21 am): i was being followed off of the highway by cops<br />decker1205 (02:24:49 am): and like i dont know im not going to get into the whole 'you were online THEN why didnt you get back to me???' but it just hurt that's all<br />decker1205 (02:34:50 am): and like ive heard the whole 'you dont talk to people you miss' and i agree thats a trait of your personality and whatnot... it was just that i was getting followed off the highway<br />decker1205 (02:34:57 am): and like its not serious<br />decker1205 (02:35:53 am): but its the 2 yr anniversary of the heart attack and its just difficult because of everything thats going on and i feel the majority of the time like you dont know and you dont care<br />decker1205 (02:36:56 am): not that you dont care but that youre okay with not caring with that the burden has been relieved of you and... i cant even blame you for that<br />decker1205 (02:36:59 am): sorry im just sad<br />decker1205 (02:37:11 am): ill talk to you sometime in a few weeks<br />decker1205 (02:37:53 am): i just had to say it<br /><br /><br />It needed to be said. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid:3238 2007-07-11T02:44:46Z 2007-07-11T02:44:46Z Mom Help Me<br />come back from the grave<br />Mom Help Me<br />our house isn't the same<br />Mom Help Me<br />each day is worse<br />Mom Help Me<br />tears do nothing here<br />Mom Help Me<br />they're saying I killed you<br />Mom Help Me<br />your family hates me now<br />Mom Help Me<br />bills need paid<br />Mom Help Me<br />everything's coming undone<br />Mom Help Me<br />i'm now at his mercy<br />Mom Help Me<br />he's been waiting<br />Mom Help Me<br />favors for rides<br />Mom Help Me<br />favors to keep my job<br />Mom Help Me<br />i'm so lonely<br />Mom Help Me<br />she's not you, she's awful, she's infiltrating our house<br />Mom Help Me<br />i'm so lonely<br />Mom Help Me<br />i might have killed you<br />Mom Help Me<br />school seems impossible to return to now<br />Mom Help Me<br />everyone cares<br />Mom Help Me<br />no one cares<br />Mom Help Me<br />marriages, scholarships, promotions<br />Mom Help Me<br />i cant do it anymore<br />Mom Help Me<br />i just want to die<br />Mom Help Me<br />maybe its best that it be done urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid:2596 2007-03-06T21:01:59Z 2007-03-06T21:01:59Z I'm devastated. I feel like everything's falling apart. And even worse, it is. I hear everyone bitching about drama... no one knows what drama's like. Drama isn't seeing your boyfriend talking to another girl, it's not getting a C when you should have a 4.0, and it's not superficial teenage bullshit. No one knows what <b>this</b> is like. What actual drama and trauma is like. I'm tired of having a sick feeling in my home, waiting for my brother to come home and threaten to beat me up if I give him the wrong look, say the wrong thing, or ask the wrong question. What has gotten him to temporarily stop? Threatening jail. The only way I can sit comfortably in my home is knowing that if I need to, I can call the cops. <b>That's</b> my comfort. I'm tired of people thinking I'm cool, someone telling them I'm gay, and having to suffer "faggot" and mocking instantly. <i>How do you walk the line between caring enough about people to bother talking to them and bothering to introduce yourself but remaining unattached enough not to be upset when they instantly hate you for being gay?</i> 'It's a choice.' Yeah, you're right. I chose this. I chose hating myself, beriding myself for not be able to have a normal life, for every minute of every day loathing the fact that at one point in my life I'm going to have to accept this as a reality and stop trying to hide.<br /><br />My dad's still in recovery from his heart surgery. I didn't want to call him about getting a parent loan. I'm in college now, if I don't go back next semester I'm going to start getting bills for this. If I get bills for this there's no way I'm going to be able to come back here, pay for gas, phone, car insurance, and then THIS semester's bill. I won't be able to come back until it gets paid off. Everyone is making plans for this semester and I'm <b>stuck.</b> My dad's in recovery. He doesn't know if he's going back to work and therefore unable to get a loan for me. I want to just ball. I want to go the middle of the cafeteria, tear all my clothes off, curl into myself, and just weep. A public declaration of the agony that comes with none of your relatives giving a fuck about you at age 20. None of these people know what real life is like. And they shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to. It shouldn't have been this way. My mom's death should have brought them to me instead of listening to my brother's tales of how horrible I am and judging me, only later to brag about how I'm never going to have a relationship with them because of what he's done, to brag about it as though he's proud of it. And now none of them talk to me.<br />What am I going to do? Suicide seems to be clearer and clearer to me. The only thing that's kept me going since my Mom's death has been the desire to prove my evil relatives and brother wrong, to get into college and do it without their help. And I did. And now I have nowhere to go but back to that house and be called faggot on a monthly basis. I just want to die. I want this to be over. Everyone hates me, fine. I've shut myself off from that a long time ago. Having my roommate and the kids from down the hall watch me online to see what I'm looking at doesn't bother me anymore. Having them create a 'Straight Pride' facebook group doesn't bother me anymore.<br />I've been told to find serenity in the chaos, inner calm. But it doesn't pay the bills... and it definitely doesn't keep me up here and securing my future. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid:2317 2007-02-02T22:05:26Z 2007-02-02T22:05:26Z I am incredibly into myself at the expense of my brother who is struggling so hard. He provides me with roofing, food, and is carrying the emotional weight of everything. He asks so little of me and I demand so much. Rob knows and all his friends make fun of me. His frat knows. I’m making a fool of myself for denying anything. Jon knows. Chris told me he was tired of apologizing to me for things he didn’t regret. “Faggot”. Killed mom. Amanda doesn’t want to be friends. She only gave me a chance until I fucked up. Which I did. Sabrina told Amanda that it sucked that I was going to her college. Don’t IM Amanda. Don’t IM her friends. Jack is mad at me for acting this way in college. You’re not. Don’t pretend. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to get good grades. Don’t IM Amanda. By acknowledging Mon not taking care of herself chris was blaming me for it being the cause. If it alone was the cause Mom taking care of herself would be irrelevant. Mary likes me because I’m interesting because I’m so fucked up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid:1538 2007-01-22T22:25:25Z 2007-01-22T22:25:25Z me:you know whats kinda scary<br />me: this whole sun expanding until it melts the earth thing thats on yahoo news<br />me: i mean WE wont be around<br />me: but think about your body<br />me: i mean one way or another its eventually going to just melt or disintegrate<br />me: its hard to believe that something so beautiful as life is also so tragic... like if there isnt a god, then all of this is for nothing<br />me: in the end our day to day life seems so important<br />me: but really in the whole gist of things its not<br />me: did the actions of average joe's in our town 70 years ago impact anything relevant.. no<br />me: i guess the only thing you can get from living is the impact of other humans you know<br />me: and just appreciate it while it lasts<br />me: because eventually you and everyone who may know you will be gone<br />jack: oh.. oh wwo steve<br /><br /><br />Auto Response from me: mmmmm crack sandwich <br /><br />me: what<br />me: does that surprise you.. its me<br />jack: ha no it's just pretty deep<br />jack: like more than normal<br />jack: i'd say<br />jack: anyway<br />me: well i read it<br />me: and it unnerved me<br />me: yeah<br />jack: i've never really been that concerned with what happens after i die<br />jack: like with my body and what not<br />me: i mean it feels like the earth has been around forever but it really hasnt regarding technology and civilization<br />me: you're also religious<br />jack: right<br />me: each day i become more and more convinced then when im dead im just done<br />me: i didnt remember prebirth whats the difference<br />me: theres no way to tell which religion is right<br />jack: well if you don't believe in religion, than that's probably the only option<br />jack: i mean death is a really tough thing to deal with<br />me: but all are followed as passionately as eachother<br />jack: most people don't worry about it that much when they're 20<br />jack: ha<br />me: im fixated on it<br />me: i honestly dont see myself having a future sometimes<br />jack: lies<br />me: my one goal has been to get into one semester and graduate<br />me: no its not<br />me: i dont know what'll happen next semester<br />me: im using everything for just now<br />me: i cant imagine me ever getting an apartment or doing something outstanding<br />jack: well that's not a horrible way to live<br />jack: in the moment<br />jack: worry about what you have ot not whta you can't control<br />jack: ha that's such a lie<br />jack: i see you doing ALL of that stuff<br />me: no its not jack<br />me: i dont at all<br />me: im just riding this wave as far as it can take me<br />me: i dont know what'll happen when my resources fall out<br />me: which is why everytime chris and i blow up and its bad<br />jack: ok well i'm just telling you my viewpoint<br />me: im just like.. is this it? is this what its culmulated to<br />me: i mean look at joe and marlynn<br />me: great kids<br />me: but they dont have any impact<br />me: someone leaves and people mourn<br />me: and then its just done<br />me: the only thing that matters are your friends<br />jack: i mean life's what you make of it, yeah<br />jack: a lot of people don't make a lasting impact in an individual way<br />me: then whats the purpose<br />me: is it worth being born and waking up each day if you're done without having any impact<br />me: what makes a purposeful life<br />me: if in the end nothing matters<br />jack: well you can change the not having any impact thing<br />jack: you just have to do something abou tit<br />me: i dunno i guess i just feel so out of control<br />me: and i dont think ive begun to grieve at all<br />me: i dont think ive given myself the time to i think i switched into survival mode<br />me: the only thing i have direct control over is my weight<br />me: and like my grades<br />jack: you don't think you've begun to grieve at all?<br />me: no<br />jack: hm<br />jack: well i mean that's a problem<br />jack: you can't leave that stuff inside<br />me: i dont even know how to deal with it<br />me: i feel like i have<br />me: but i clearly havent<br />me: and in the end nothing changes it<br />me: tears, anger<br />me: its waves of sadness and hopelessness that paralyze you<br />me: and im not trying to be melodramatic<br />me: like... its so lonely<br />me: i would never wish this upon anyone<br />me: and i make little projects to distract myself<br />me: but it doesnt change anything<br />me: and when accomplishing them still doesnt make anything worthwhile<br />me: whats the purpose<br />me: i mean you think that you've gotten a hold on it<br />jack: i'm sorry steve<br />jack: i don't know wha tto say<br />me: its just so crippling<br />me: and nothing in this world can make you rise above it<br />me: thanks... and im sorry<br />jack: i wish that i could help<br />jack: but when you feel like that i don't feel like there's much anyone can say to make it better<br />me: yeah<br />me: like life here is great<br />jack: it's just an inner struggle that you have to try and deal with and find what makes you feel like life is worth it<br />me: but even if it was terrible id feel the same<br />jack: like for me, without religion, it's just interaction with friends i guess<br />jack: i go through the motions that society has taught me to do<br />jack: i feel like getting a job and maybe having a family will be somewhat fulfilling someday, but if you don't have that than i don't know<br />jack: i'm really glad that you're enjoying it there though<br />me: thanks<br />me: still i cant forget the firs t 3 weeks of unlv htat i LOVED<br />jack: well try not to be pessimistic about it, you know<br />me: thats a hard thing to ask<br />jack: don't expect the worst, just deal with it if it happens to arise urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anakidanakid:842 2006-12-17T03:38:20Z 2006-12-17T03:40:19Z The Chills 'Pink Frost' Jack came home today. We made plans to do something yesterday on the phone when she fawned sleepiness to hang up. I didn't want to accept the fact that we're not close - she's my only real friend. Or at least I pretend. I cling to her... desperate to face the fact that I have no one. I called her on my way to Target to ask her if she wanted to go to Starbucks and she didn't return my call. I get online and she has an away up saying "out with PALS."<br /><br />I've known the girl for 20 years - my entire life. She's the only person in my life that supports me still and is the only person who still listens to me. She was there for me when my Mom died and all my relatives and family weren't. She was there for me when my brother who Im now stuck living with beat me up and broke my laptop. She was there for me when everyone else wasn't and still isn't.<br /><br />If you want to hang out without me then fine. But to post it online... letting me know you were. What a slap in the face. I couldn't believe it. A day after my brother gets his christmas present from my relatives (his... they didn't send me one) she does this. I'm just so hurt. I don't want to eat... ever.<br /><br />The bottom line is I'm completely alone. I'm not being melodramatic, I am. I HATE that my life has been so hard. Highschool. Suicide attempts. Heroin. Losing college. Single parent dying WEEKS after that. Relatives blaming me. Zero help. Abusive alcoholic brother.<br /><br /><br />I'm trying to get into college. I should be starting in a month. I'm not prepared at all. I'm getting bills that I'm not ready to pay, yet. It's awful. The scariest part is that I don't have ANYONE there to support me. I have Jack - who thought it was appropriate not only to blow me off but to put up an away about it letting me know she was doing it... at THIS time of the year - so obviously I have no one. How in God's name am I going to do this??<br /><br />God I just miss my mom so much.<br /><br />I've been through worse, though. If anyone is capable of handling this I am.<br /><br /><br />It's just SO HARD.